I HAVE it on good authority that Australia will be represented in the Eurovision song contest next year. Which is fine, but a little confusing. We're not part of Europe. Not even close.
Sure, it was nice when they invited us last year and we sent little Guy Sebastian along. But it was just a nice piece of public relations. A condescending pat on the head for us being big supporters. "Good on you, you little Aussie battlers," the organisers were saying.
But Guy was never going to win. Imagine how embarrassing it would have been for an Australian to win Europe's premier talent quest. The cream of Europe's entertainment freak scene humbled by an Aussie? Never!
Our presence in Eurovision was sort of like a Fijian ice skating team going to the Winter Olympics. Cute and inspirational, but never a medal hope and just a little sad. Don't get me wrong, I love the event. Where else can you get so many mullets, so much theatre and so many wind machines? And remember the bird with the beard who won it the year before? I love it!
My wife and I watch it every year. Our favourite thing, apart from the on-stage action, is to watch the hilarious live tweets from other viewers.
For instance, a woman with a beard walks on stage and some wag in Uzbekistan will tweet "Mum! Is that you? You told me you were going to the shop to get milk!"
Or some bird with long hair will be winding up to hit a ridiculously high note and someone will tweet "Cue the wind machine". Then "bingo!", the wind machine invariably cranks up. Eurovision loves wind machines. And mullets.
And there's always some death metal band from Norway or Sweden screaming.
But if Australia is going to be represented next year, who to send? Delta Goodrem would fit perfectly into the schmaltzy Eurovision mould but I can't stand her, so she's out.
What about that Minogue girl?
Not the annoying one. I mean Kylie. Put her in a pair of gold hotpants, whack a bit of facial hair on her and stand her in front of a wind machine - we might actually be a contender.
Look out Eurovision!
We're sending the bearded singing budgie!
Should Australia be taking part in Eurovision and if so, who should Australian send to represent us in 2016?
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