What would Joh do? Crack down on bikies of course

DEPUTY Premier Jeff Seeney and Attorney-General Jarrod Bleijie arrive at Campbell Newman's office. The Premier ushers them inside and the three men sit down on the couch.

A large portrait of Sir Joh Bjelke-Petersen smiles down benevolently upon the trio from the nearest wall.

Newman: Okay, Jeff, Jarrod, I've asked you to come along here today because I think we have a problem. I'm worried we're headed for a spot of trouble.

The economy is lagging, unemployment has risen and we've lost four MPs in 18 months. At some point the public is going to catch on.

Seeney: Why worry? It's almost mathematically impossible for us to lose the next election and probably the one after that. We own this state until at least 2021.

Newman: I know, but you see I've become accustomed to a certain sized majority and would rather not have to deal with a proper opposition next term.

Bleijie: We could make the Labor Party illegal?

Seeney: I'll second that.

Newman: I like it, but let's keep it up our sleeve for now. (He looks up at the portrait of Joh.) What would he do?

All three: Police crackdown!

Newman: Fantastic. Let's declare war on something. That should dominate the news agenda for the next 18 months. Now let's see, what do people hate?

Seeney: Paedophiles.

Newman: Brilliant, I'd like to see Labor argue against that. Anything else?

Bleijie: Bikies.

Newman: Oh yes, bikies, that's a great idea. Okay, we need our message to be this: Newman hates bikies and paedophiles, therefore anyone who doesn't like Newman is a bikie-loving paedophile.

Seeney: (Rises out of the chair, punching the air) Boom! Take that Labor.

Bleijie: (Jumps up and starts kickboxing) Yeah! Take that independent judiciary.

Newman: (Does a karate chop) Take that critics of my government! Now, let us pray.

The three men get down on to their knees, facing the portrait of Joh. They hold hands and close their eyes. The Premier leads the prayer.

Newman: Oh Joh, who art surely in heaven, and who have surely usurped god and had the angels crack down on street marches, Oh Joh, thank you for again showing us the path to electoral longevity. May your wisdom forever be available to us and may we govern as long as you see fit. Amen

Evan Schwarten
Evan Schwarten

Topics:  bikie crackdown campbell newman editors picks jeff seeney opinion

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