Opinion

What would Joh do? Crack down on bikies of course

DEPUTY Premier Jeff Seeney and Attorney-General Jarrod Bleijie arrive at Campbell Newman's office. The Premier ushers them inside and the three men sit down on the couch.

A large portrait of Sir Joh Bjelke-Petersen smiles down benevolently upon the trio from the nearest wall.

Newman: Okay, Jeff, Jarrod, I've asked you to come along here today because I think we have a problem. I'm worried we're headed for a spot of trouble.

The economy is lagging, unemployment has risen and we've lost four MPs in 18 months. At some point the public is going to catch on.

Seeney: Why worry? It's almost mathematically impossible for us to lose the next election and probably the one after that. We own this state until at least 2021.

Newman: I know, but you see I've become accustomed to a certain sized majority and would rather not have to deal with a proper opposition next term.

Bleijie: We could make the Labor Party illegal?

Seeney: I'll second that.

Newman: I like it, but let's keep it up our sleeve for now. (He looks up at the portrait of Joh.) What would he do?

All three: Police crackdown!

Newman: Fantastic. Let's declare war on something. That should dominate the news agenda for the next 18 months. Now let's see, what do people hate?

Seeney: Paedophiles.

Newman: Brilliant, I'd like to see Labor argue against that. Anything else?

Bleijie: Bikies.

Newman: Oh yes, bikies, that's a great idea. Okay, we need our message to be this: Newman hates bikies and paedophiles, therefore anyone who doesn't like Newman is a bikie-loving paedophile.

Seeney: (Rises out of the chair, punching the air) Boom! Take that Labor.

Bleijie: (Jumps up and starts kickboxing) Yeah! Take that independent judiciary.

Newman: (Does a karate chop) Take that critics of my government! Now, let us pray.

The three men get down on to their knees, facing the portrait of Joh. They hold hands and close their eyes. The Premier leads the prayer.

Newman: Oh Joh, who art surely in heaven, and who have surely usurped god and had the angels crack down on street marches, Oh Joh, thank you for again showing us the path to electoral longevity. May your wisdom forever be available to us and may we govern as long as you see fit. Amen

Evan Schwarten
Evan Schwarten

Topics:  bikie crackdown, campbell newman, editors picks, jeff seeney, opinion




Stay Connected

Update your news preferences and get the latest news delivered to your inbox.

'I apologise every day that I am not the person he married'

My battle with postnatal depression...

'My husband lasted 6 weeks as a stay at home dad'

APN Hey Mummy Feature for online - stock images. Katie Dykes being interviewed for the webisodes. Photo Marc Stapelberg / The Northern Star

FROM the outside, being a stay at home mum looks like a breeze.

THE EXPERT: Stop judging working mothers

SUPER MUMS: Being a working mums comes down to perfecting time management.

"WORKING for money is all right; so is working because you want to.”

Health and nutrition with kids - how do you balance it?

HOW important is health and nutrition in your household?

Smack or no smack - where do you stand?

THE debate is reignited - is smacking acceptable?

Technology and kids: Do you ever cut their wi-fi?

Check out our new video series featuring mums having a chat

Former soldier in Rocky to pull the trigger on PTSD

Trigger and Royce arrived in Mackay earlier in the week.

Royce's new mission involves a lot of miles

Election could save miners’ memorial money shortfall

AMWU’s John Hempseed

Important memorial construction could be stalled

GALLERY:Decapitation evidence to be 'outstanding for good while'

Man arrested in relation to the murder of Syeid Alam escorted from the Rockhampton Police Station to watch house at the Rockhampton Courthouse.

Mohammed Khan charged with murder and interfering with a corpse

Latest deals and offers

Burnett Heads housing development approved

COUNCIL APPROVED: A Burnett Heads housing development has been approved by Bundaberg Regional Council. Photo Contributed

Councillors approved the development seven votes to four

Three bedroom, 1100sqm block: Is this Qld's cheapest home?

BARGAIN BUY: Is this North Bundaberg property the cheapest home in Queensland?

Becoming a real estate mogul is all about risk and reward