A Yank in Oz: I’m not even making this stuff up
Alright ladies, I give. Mercy, truce, uncle, whatever it takes, but count me out.
What, you’re asking, has got me throwing in the towel? Makeup. That’s right, makeup. I just can’t keep up. Look, it’s not that I’m good at it, and suddenly the game has changed and now I’m being left behind. I literally never knew what I was doing to begin with.
“But Lisa,” I can hear you all saying, “do you expect us to believe that, with your boyish good looks, that you don’t know what you’re doing?
Yes, yes, I do.
Let me explain. See, as most of you know, a lot of my childhood was spent behind buck teeth and thick glasses. By time I peeked my head out from behind the nerd curtain, got contacts and learned to smile with my lips closed (I wish I was kidding), I was at least ten years behind most girls in knowing how to do these things.
And now … NOW! It’s not just lip gloss, mascara, and thirty-seven litres of hairspray, oh no … now, it’s:
- Eyebrows drawn in or tattooed. Although I prefer to see tattooed since most of y’all end up looking like you have two angry caterpillars fighting for space above your eyes when you draw them on.
- Lips overly outlined and/or plumped via help from an injection. Some girls are even using shot glasses to suck their lips into to plump them. Google it, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.
- Hair extensions; literally no girl in their twenties has 100% of their real hair nowadays. When I was a young, that mullet was all mine baby.
- Contouring and highlighting; I have no idea how to do either of these things, but you essentially paint brown and white makeup on your face until it appears you may break into a tribal dance, and then blend it using one of your fifty-seven, job-specific brushes so it appears you have light hitting your face in just the right spots, and that your neck and nose are half as skinny as they really are.
- Not to mention, eyebrow and eyelash tinting, fake eyelashes, winged eyeliner, teeth whitening and veneers, waxing, acrylic nails, spray tans, and the kitchen sink.
I’m exhausted just thinking about that routine. I can’t imagine having to do all of those things and still have time to eat tacos and watch reality TV.
It just seems like a whole lot of nonsense, to essentially impress men, who honestly couldn’t care less if we were wearing only a hessian sack. We all complain that men don’t even notice when we get our hair cut or coloured but will spend countless hours in front of the mirror in an effort to impress them. Trust me when I say, no man cares whether your skin looks flawless as long as you tell him he’s strong and feed him on a regular basis. And the guys that do care, probably would spend more time looking at themselves in the mirror anyway.