Logan Central shopping centre. Picture:. Jono Searle
Logan Central shopping centre. Picture:. Jono Searle

Are these Queensland’s 10 sh-ttest towns?

FAMOUS for heat, cyclones, obesity and racism, Queensland is the Australian version of the American Deep South minus the culture, where everyone drinks XXXX and wears XXXL. Also known as 'cane toads' or 'banana benders', notoriously insular Queenslanders are easy to provoke-don't make eye contact or it will be interpreted as either an invitation to fight or a mating ritual. The state's tourism slogan is 'Beautiful One Day, Perfect the Next' but 'Sh*t One Day, Completely F***ed the Next' would be more accurate.

TOWNSVILLE

Townsville (or Towntown in English) was named after Robert Towns, a notorious slave trader who was well known for the practice of 'blackbirding', which is Australian for abducting Pacific Islanders and forcing them to work on your sugar can plantations.

 

Townsville image, supplied by Sh*t Towns of Austrlia.
Townsville image, supplied by Sh*t Towns of Austrlia.

 

In true sh*t town fashion, Townsville honoured its namesake with a bronze statue for his services to racism.

Townsville has been dubbed the unofficial capital of the 'Tropical North', complete with all the horror that entails: oppressive heat, nightmarish disease and wildlife that devours wayward tourists. And that's just Flinders Street on a Friday night. Also nicknamed 'Brownsville' due to its arid climate rather than the complexion of its residents, Townsville has an annual rainfall comparable to the dustier parts of the Sahara, aside from the handful of days when it's pelted with the sort of biblical monsoons that would get Noah's arsehole twitching.

Townsville also has an impressive collection of defunct sports teams, including the A-League's Northern Fury Football Club (who were not very angry and only vaguely played football) and the Townsville Crocodiles basketball team (who managed a staggering zero titles in a largely mediocre 23 seasons). The pride of Townsville is the North Queensland Cowboys, who are best known for getting thumped by the Broncos and fingered by John Hopoate.

ALSO KNOWN AS: Brownsville, Clownsville, Drownsville.

MOST FAMOUS PERSON: Julian Assange, international hide-and-seek champion 2012-19.

 

MOUNT ISA

Mercifully tucked away in the middle of buttf*ck nowhere, Mount Isa is a toxic desert hellscape with a lengthy rap sheet of sh*tness.

Mt Isa picture supplied by Sh*t Towns of Austrlia.
Mt Isa picture supplied by Sh*t Towns of Austrlia.

The city revolves around its lead and copper smelters, belching pollution plants that provide wok to the local population of deadest drongos and foolhardy FIFOs, as well as furnishing them with a free citywide sulphuric fart fragrance and bonus lead bonus lead poisoning. Having babies with learning disabilities and third arms is all part of the job for the hardworking lead-heads of 'The Isa'

Another part of the job is embracing the oppressive heat of Mount Isa, a place so parched that even the so-called 'wet' season is dustier than the Parramatta Eel's trophy cabinet. The influx of men to work in the mines has also turned the town in a veritable sausage fest, to the point where in 2008 the mayor actually suggested ugly women come to Mount Isa to get laid. Unfortunately for anyone keen on taking up His Worship's offer, the lead smelter has rendered most of the male population impotent-or, ironically, lacking lead in their pencils.

When they're not busily poisoning the planet, Mount Isans enjoy getting on the goon, fighting in the street, pelting cars with rocks and harassing backpackers at the Irish Club. Mount Isa's smog-soaked sunrise can be a spectacular sight-if you ignore the silhouettes of shopkeepers hosing human sh*t off the footpath. The city's premier event is its combined rodeo and mardi gras every August, when LGBTQ people are chased down the main street by enraged bulls.

As result of the local death factory turning a bunch of bog-standards yobbos into a pack of CUBs (Crashed-Up-Bogans), inhabitants of Mount Eyesore pay through the arse for the privilege of living in such a pooptopia. Everything is exorbitant, from the price of drowning your sorrows at the local pub to the cost of escaping-a flight to Brisbane can set you back more than flying from Brissie to London. On the other hand, whatever it costs, it's worth it.

ALSO KNOWN AS: The Isa, Mount Ice-A, Mount Arsa, Mount Eysore, Mount Isalation, Mount Isis.

MOST FAMOUS PERSON: Lindy 'A Dingo Ate My Baby' Chamberlain.

 

ROCKHAMPTON

Reluctantly settled by a bunch of stranded miners, Rockhampton soon became known as 'The City of the Three S's (sin, sweat and sorrow). The slogan survives to this day, except now it stands for slobs, steers and semen.

 

 

Rockhampton flooding picture supplied by Sh*t Towns of Austrlia.
Rockhampton flooding picture supplied by Sh*t Towns of Austrlia.

 

The city is also known as the 'Beef Capital of Australia', a reference to its plethora of fast-food outlets and morbidly obese population. Rocking 'Rocky tuxedos' (extra-wide jeans and XXXL flannos), Rockhampton's blubbery bogans are celebrated by a giant sculpture of a dugong and seven Big Bull statues. Sadly, the bulls have all had steel rods rammed through their nut sacks in an effort to end the local tradition of getting blind drunk on sh*t beer at leagues club and nicking a Big Bull's ball. Rockhampton capitalises on its Beef Capital moniker by selling overpriced supermarket steaks to gullible tourists who couldn't tell a Scotch fillet from a Scotch egg.

Shoved 40 kilometres up the Fitzroy River, Rockhampton is also known for its unbearably humid climate, giving it its third nickname 'Australia's Sweaty Armpit'. In summer, the oppressive humidity combines with the dank stench of the river to create a truly revolting miasma. The city gets so hot that taking a dip in a crocodile-infested swimming hole seems like a good idea.

Even the city's streetlights agree that the city is a horror show, clearly spelling out 'HELL' when viewed atop Mount Archer. A little-known fact is that town planners were actually trying to write 'HELP', in a desperate plea to passing aircraft to rescue them from living in Rockhampton.

ALSO KNOWN: AS Rocky, Rock Vegas, Hampo, Rockhammer, Rockdumpton, Freakhampton, Cockhampton, Crackhampton, sh*thampton, Hell.

DID YOU KNOW? People from Rockhampton are known as 'Rock Spiders'.

 

SUNSHINE COAST

The Sunshine Coast is a slightly less awful version of the Gold Coast, but that's like comparing a sh*t sandwich with a diarrhoea taco.

Sunshine Coast picture supplied by Sh*t Towns of Austrlia.
Sunshine Coast picture supplied by Sh*t Towns of Austrlia.

 

While the Gold Coast is famous for roller-coasters, failed sports franchises and STDs, the Sunshine Coast is known for cranky boomers, a complete lack of night-life and a painful line-up of 'attractions' that are somehow less fun than staying at home. It's essentially the Gold Coast for people who are confused by flashing lights.

From Maroochydump to Poosa Heads, the Sunshine Coast is a cluster of bulging sh*t towns clinging to the coast like septic haemorrhoids, populated largely by geriatrics wanting to die somewhere sandy and warm. Hobbies include whingeing about the Gold Coast, reminiscing on the days when the Sunshine Coast was cow-pat-covered paddocks before the tourists and developers ruined everything with all their money and First-World facilities, and getting stuck on the Bruce Highway trying to escape to somewhere less horrible.

For visitors, the Sunshine Coast has everything required for a disappointing holiday. The area's main family attraction is a theme park dedicated to the national culture, featuring such controversial rides as the Cowards Punch Coaster, the Drink-Drive Dodgems and the Racism-Go-Round. Another drawcard is the Buderim Ginger Factory which produces an estimated 40 per cent of the world's undesirable babies. The factory has a number of ginger-themed rides including

The Ginger train, which also happens to be the name of a popular activity in the homosexual community. Confusingly, the Buderim Ginger Factory is no longer located in Buderim, having moved to nearby Yandina in 1980 without bothering to change its name.

The Sunshine Coast is also home to an excessive number of Australia's embarrassing 'Big Things', including the Big Pineapple at Woomby, the Big Pelican at Noosaville, the Big Mower at Beerwah and the Big Crack Pipe at Nambour. The only redeemable feature on the Sunshine Coast is its beaches, at least until they are swallowed by rising sea levels, taking the region's entire economy down with them. On the plus side, by the time the climate change really kicks into gear, the entire population of the Sunshine Coast will have already succumbed to death by old age.

ALSO KNOWN AS: Scumshine Coast, Suncrime Coast.

 

CABOOLTURE

Sitting on top of Brisbane like a sweaty arse on a toilet seat, Caboolture is a nightmarish mishmash of deros and rednecks, a feral hellhole that is arguable more Logan than Logan.

King Street, Caboolture
King Street, Caboolture

Cabo's population exploded when Brisbane evicted its housos, New Zealanders and other undesirables before the World Expo 88, causing the once sleepy hamlet of Caboolture to devolve into a slum of epic proportions. As unplanned as most of its pregnancies, the town is now an ungroomed patch of urban pubes sprouting around a haggard highway and crawling with the lice of society.

Caboolture is the nation's capital of welfare fraud, animal cruelty and playing pokies in your pyjamas. Other common hobbies include blowing up gelignite at sportsgrounds for sh*ts and giggles, fishing up a body from a waterway or doing a shoey on Toohey. The home town of Keith Urban hosts an annual country music festival and 'ute muster', attracting inbreds and simpletons from across the state. Aside from Urban, Cabo's biggest celebrities are the 'Centrelink Cougar', a middle-aged woman accused of seducing teenagers for their welfare money, and 'Bottles', a young lady famous for sticking bottles up herself at the Morayfield skatepark each weekend.

ALSO KNOWN AS: Cabo, Capoolture, Cabullsh*t, Staboolture, Kabulture

 

BRISBANE

A sprawling subtropical sh*tburbia, 'Brisvegas' is a notorious cultural graveyard where high art is spray painting dicks on walls and fine dining is choosing not to use the drive-thru.

 

Merivale St Railway Bridge Go Between Bridge South Brisbane Picture: Philip Norrish
Merivale St Railway Bridge Go Between Bridge South Brisbane Picture: Philip Norrish

 

The city manages the neat trick of combining small town attitudes with the crime and congestion of a major city, so is a great destination if you are in the mood to get mugged at knifepoint while being told to f*ck off back to where you came from.

As well as being brain-achingly boring, Brisbane is prone to flooding and hot as buggery. The city spends a significant amount of time underwater yet always seems to be in drought. The heat is so oppressive that it makes residents do a whole range of irrational things, like casual racism and supporting the Broncos. Other popular pastimes include queueing up to suck off the Wally Lewis statue outside Suncorp or getting coward punched in Caxton Street by a moron in maroon. Brisbane is also overrun by all manner of pests including foxes, bats, and New Zealanders.

Despite being knows as 'The River City', Brisbane is in fact bisected by a dirty brown trickle that is more Missi-sh*tty than Mississippi. The river is recommended to anyone who gets off on gawking at a sludgy smear that looks like something on a men's room wall. Crossing the 'Brown Snake' by car requires taking out a second mortgage to pay the hefty tolls on the imaginatively named Go Between Bridge. Brisvegans are also strangely proud of their beaches, despite the Nearest being nearly two hours away in crippling traffic. The only strip of sand within the city limits is Streets Beach, a nasty man-made slurry pit full of used condoms and dead bin chickens. Another source of misplaced local pride is Brisbane-brewed XXXX, so named because Queenslanders can't spell beer.

TOWN SLOGAN: The BrisBane of Australia's Existence.

ALSO KNOWN AS: Brissie, Brisvegas, Brisvegarse, Brisneland, Jizzbin, Brisbinchicken

MOST FAMOUS PEOPLE: Brisbane if a fountain of terrible music, responsible for such aural atrocities as the Bee Gees, Powderfinger and Savage Garden.

 

TOOWOOMBA

Few people actually know where Toowoomba is and ever fewer have ever been there. The regional city was strategically placed just close enough to Brisbane for Brisbanites to dump their unwanted elderly but far enough away that they don't have to visit them.

Toowoomba picture supplied by Sh*t Towns of Australia.
Toowoomba picture supplied by Sh*t Towns of Australia.

Consequently, Toowoomba is full of xenophobic old people and stuffy God-botherers who are less into beaches and bitches and more about gardens and golliwogs.

Toowoomba's name is derived from the fact that widespread incest has resulted in large numbers of local women sporting multiple sets of genitals (or 'two wombs'). Popular alternative names include 'Double Douchehole' and 'Multi Minge'. People from Toowoomba are officially knows as Toowoombarbarians, Toowoombastards, or Toowoompaloompas.

As well as being a gulag for geriatrics, Toowoomba is known as 'The Garden City' because a few patches of manicured scrub are the closest thing it has to a point of interest. The highlight of the city's calendar is the annual Carnival of Flowers, when nannas from across the nation take time of from knitting things no one will ever wear, spouting nonsense on talkback radio and oiling themselves to pore over plants' private parts. Due in part to excessive gardening, Toowoomba is rapidly running out of water, which will come as a relief to most residents considering how it tastes.

Disturbingly, gentrification has begun turning Toowoomba into The Melbourne of Queensland, with graffitied laneways, scungy alley cafes and moustachioed vegans popping up with increasing frequency. The city is being invaded by so much diversity that long-time Toowoompaloompas are struggling to know who to fear anymore. The only certainty is that Toowoomba will always find a way to stay sh*t.

ALSO KNOWN AS: T-Bar, Poowoomba, Twoheadwoomba, The Woomb, Double Douchehole, Multi Minge

MOST FAMOUS PEOPLE: Famous Toowoompaloompas include elderly pirate Geoffry Rush and motorsports driver Will Power, who apparently stole his name from a self-help book.

 

IPSWICH

Brisbane's grotty basement, the sh*tellite city of Ipswich is a notorious breeding ground for a whole range of unsavoury types, including dole bludgers, drug addicts and NRL players.

 

Limestone St, Ipswich.
Limestone St, Ipswich.

 

Most of Ipswich's residents live in vast shanty towns surrounding Centrelink, whiling away the days until their next handout drinking homebrewed liquor, getting their area code tattooed on their neck, playing darts with used syringes and impregnating teenagers. The city's pride and joy is the annual Ipswich Festival, five days of free family entertainment including a stolen car parade, an arson display and a race riot.

Ipswich is perhaps best-known as the home town of Pauline Hanson, who parlayed a background in deep-frying battered cod into a political career pandering to racist rednecks who think that asylum seekers are fleeing war zones in leaky fishing boats so they can nick their jobs. In many ways Pauline Hanson is Ipswich personified-unsightly, predominately government-funded, and full of sh*t. The only useful thing she has done is be great fodder for a hate wank. Ipswich continues its tradition of defective politicians by churning out an endless line of corrupt councillors, which would be remarkable if mayors being jailed and entire councils being sacked weren't commonplace in Queensland.

Ipswich's shambolic governance is reflected in the state of the joint, the only city in Australia that is literally a dump. Tonnes of trash is trucked in from across Queensland and New South Wales nightly and poured into old mines and empty lots of Ipswich, drenching entire neighbourhoods in a horrendous stench as well as smoke when the flammable stuff catches fire. On the plus side, the mountains of garbage do match the local décor of mould-coated houses and snake-infested abandoned cars adorning front lawns.

Two of Ipswich's finest alumni were a pair of rooted units who made a gold ball bomb, left it in the street and blew off a kid's hands. One of the dipsh*ts later blew off his own hands as well as parts of his genitals in a separate incident. Clearly, the only hope of salvation for Ipsh*t is the Bremer's banks bursting during one of the city's frequent floods and washing away the bogans in a biblical deluge.

ALSO KNOWN AS: Ippy, the Switch, Iphole, Ipsh*t, Sh*twich, Icewich, Dipswich

 

LOGAN

There's a reason Logan rhymes with 'bogan'. Fittingly, it also rhymes with 'grogan', 'Paul Hogan' and 'crime-infested war zone'. Logan's reputation as a bogan nest is so prevalent that the local council spent millions of dollars on a campaign to change the city's image-unfortunately, they spent it all on ugg boots and a container load of RTDs.

Logan Central shopping centre. Picture:. Jono Searle
Logan Central shopping centre. Picture:. Jono Searle

Appropriately named after one of Australia's most loathed colonial commanders, Logan is sandwiched between Brisbane and the Gold Coast, making it ideally placed to catch the human dregs of both cities. Its population comprises a motley crew of yobbos, drongos, housos, druggos and immigrants who thought they were moving to Brisbane. Logan is one of Australia's most diverse cities-in fact, it has more STD strains than the entire cast of Goldie Shore combined.

Common hobbies in Logan include getting sh*tfaced and hitting someone with a bit of wood, committing ram raids in hot-wired Holden Colorados, and intergenerational welfare dependency. A popular venue is the Logan Hyperdome, where flannel-clad rednecks fight to the death over Centrelink payments.

Logan's standout suburbs are Slacks Creek and Woodridge, twin slums that host all the panelbeaters, payday lenders, pawn shops and pokies you can menacingly shake a stick at. These suburban hellscapes are also ideal locations for the procurement of illicit substances, with more shoes on powerlines than on feet.

 

GOLD COAST

The Gold Coast fancies itself as Australia's version of Las Vegas, which is true because it's a tacky tourist trap adorned with fake tits, a sh*t casino and an unending parade of timeshare presentations.

 

Gold Coast picture supplied by Sh*t Towns of Austrlia.
Gold Coast picture supplied by Sh*t Towns of Austrlia.

 

The cluster of hotels masquerading as a city is where Australia keeps its unemployed Kiwi scaffolders while they wait for their shot at a third-grade reality show, and has-been strippers with multiple children to multiple men from multiple outlaw motorcycle gangs. If you are looking to get a sh*t neo-tribal tattoo or contract some novel form of super chlamydia, then the Gold Coast is probably your place!

Given that it's Australia's entertainment capital, the Gold Coast is filled with a plethora of such options, with the only downside being that they are all tacky and sh*t. On the Gold Coast, fine dining is 'all-you-can-eat pancakes' and a fun day out with the family features theme parks with worse safety standards that a Malaysian airliner.

Popular staples of Gold Coast night-life include visiting a vampire-themed cabaret staffed entirely by people who look like they recently failed HIV tests, getting attacked by a lower grade league player with 'roid rage', or being thrown off a balcony after a Tinder date gone wrong. A popular event on the Gold Coast is 'Schoolies Week', which gives high school kids the chance to experiment with alcohol poisoning and tradies from Logan the chance to experiment with getting passed-out high school girls into the back of their van.

The Gold Coast hosted the 2018 edition of the Commonwealth Games, an event that used to exist only so Britain's former colonies could see who had the fastest slaves and now only exists to give white people who are too sh*t for the Olympics the chance to win medals, making it Caucasian Special Olympics. The event celebrated the city's rich sporting history, which includes multiple failed professional franchises across at least three sports.

ALSO KNOWN AS: Goldie, Cold Ghost, Dole Coast

MOST FAMOUS PERSON: The 'Candyman', a failed former AFL player and current tobacco mogul who whiles away his days hosting million-dollar orgies and shagging a bevy of porn stars, making him so Australian he should probably replace the emu on the coat of arms.

 

SH*T TOWNS OF AUSTRLIA ALLEN AND UNWIN, $20
SH*T TOWNS OF AUSTRLIA ALLEN AND UNWIN, $20

 

This is an extract from Sh*t Towns of Australia, Allen and Unwin, $20.

Buy it here: www.booktopia.com.au/sh-t-towns-of-australia-rick-furphy/book/9781988547244.html



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