THE global economy has been declared "totally screwed" by economists after Europe was confirmed officially broke and the American debt became too large to fit on a calculator screen.
Economists said the best hope for the world economy for the next decade would be if it got sucked into a giant black hole that astronomers have found eating half the universe.
The news has been worsened by the revelation that Kim Karcrashian's super-publicised marriage ended after a few days and her latest miracle weight loss program may not be a miracle.
She may also be slightly unhappy.
There was good news and bad news for the Australian economy with interest rates down, economic growth up, employment down and Channel Nine in trouble.
Economist Paul Beancounter said the news was good for home owners, bad for workers, good for mining and bad for Bert Newton.
"Who am I kidding?" he said with a sigh.
"It's all over the shop and I don't have a flying rabbit of a clue what's going on."
Mr Beancounter said it appeared that the only part of the economy growing was in isolated areas of Queensland and the Western Australian desert.
"Sadly there are not many people there and the growth is hard to spot, like cattle on ranches the size of Victoria," he said.
"The people tend to just fly in and fly out and send everything off to China.
"China pays money for what we dig up but it mostly seems to end up in Europe where it is sucked into a giant black hole."
Treasurer Wayne Duck said, despite employment going backwards, the economy was going forwards.
"Businesses are just sacking people because they are worried but the economy overall is very sound, but of course businesses don't believe that because nobody is buying anything," he said.
"Who am I kidding? I don't really have a clue what's going on either. Hang on, did I say that out loud?"
Greens Leader Bob Frown said, despite the economic gloom, he still hoped to receive some cufflinks made from gum nuts for Christmas.
Meanwhile astronomers say they have found a black hole that has eaten billions of suns and is 10 times the size of the solar system.
"This thing is bloody big," astronomer Paul Gazer said.
"By tracking down and measuring these massive black holes at huge public expense we will be able to better understand how their host galaxies were assembled, and how the holes achieved such monstrous mass.
"Why we would actually want to know any of that is one of the great mysteries of the universe."
Thirsty Cow is fiction. It is made up yada yada yada. Next week will be the last Thirsty Cow for 2011. If you would like Thirsty Cow to return in 2012 please let us know by emailing email@example.com.