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Compromise is key when your partner watches too much porn

Q: My fiance is always watching porn and is always wanting to have sex with me (which I turn down the majority of the time because I'm not in the mood). I'm worried he's getting addicted to it - what can I do?

A: Research shows men are better than women at separating their sexual stimuli without context - meaning, they are simply looking at sexual stimuli to achieve a purpose - pleasure - without contextualizing a story and personal experience with it.

They also are better at separating a two-dimensional picture from their three-dimensional sexy partner who they'd prefer to be with, if they could every time they wanted.

If you keep rejecting sex the majority of the time he desires it, he will find another outlet for his libido.

It sounds like out of faithfulness and loyalty to you, he chooses porn over seeking another partner.

But rather than suspect he might be getting addicted to porn, take a look at your libido discrepancy as a couple.

Is he turning to porn because his libido is higher than yours and he feel he doesn't get enough of a sexual outlet with the frequency of sex you have together?

Do you perhaps turn down sex because the knowledge of how much porn your fiancé watches bothers you on some level?

Addiction to porn would generally show itself like other addictions: more and more of the stimulus (or substance in the case of drugs and alcohol) is needed over time to get the same effect (the "high", the thrill, the excitement).

Like a drug addict who needs more and more of the drug to get the same feeling, in a sex addiction, it's not enough usually to simply have sex more often to satiate the addictive need.

Many sex addicts push the boundaries of sexual experimentation and variation, always trying to recreate the same thrilling new high as they received in the beginning, but more is needed each time to get their "fix".

Does this sound like your fiancé?

If so, seek professional help for him, and the two of you as a couple to handle the addiction.

If however, you feel his porn use is along the lines of his need for more sex than you, this is an issue of communication and negotiation, with both of you better understanding each other's needs.

Perhaps he doesn't know how his porn use affects you.

Focus on each other and the sexual desires and needs you both have, without porn in the picture, and with really tuning in to each other.

If you care about each other and want to make your relationship work, you will want to find compromises and answers that make both of you happy.

And this is essential if you're going to consider getting married and building a future together.

Consider this exercise not only a good one to enhance your sex life before you get married, but excellent practice in learning to understand each other and find solutions to issues - which will face you as a married couple in years to come both inside and outside the bedroom.

Topics:  advice column dating marriage porn relationships sex



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