I DON'T know how much watching First Dates teaches us about love, but it does teach us that we're garbage at guessing how the dates are going to end. It's like humans are mysterious creatures and not just mammals that have sex for pleasure or something.

JANA AND CHRIS

"Dolphins are the only mammals that have sex for pleasure," says Jana to her date Chris, in one of roughly a thousand attempts to prove to him that she's extremely sexy.

Chris, a pleasant-mannered IT expert who would probably be very good at conversation if he ever got the chance, remains a general mystery to us in the face of a wall of proof of Jana's sexiness.

"I design lingerie" she says, sipping her drink as seductively as possible. "Specialised for the bedroom, so a bit naughty, a bit sassy" she adds, reminding Chris that she hasn't mentioned she's very aware of genitals for a couple of minutes.

Dolphins are the only mammals who drink from a straw.
Dolphins are the only mammals who drink from a straw. Channel 7

"I put that in my mouth too quickly," Jana says of a hot potato. "Sorry, I didn't mean to say it like that," she continues, totally meaning to say it like that.

"I'm a bit of a Samantha," Jana purrs as soon as she's established that Chris knows enough about Sex And The City to realise that means she's sexy.

"Charlotte was always my favourite," responds Chris, abruptly resisting Jana's magnetic pull.

At Awkward Question Time, Jana lets Chris down gently when she rejects him, no doubt feeling certain she's disappointed him.

Dolphins, Chris, and all mammals are quietly relieved.
Dolphins, Chris, and all mammals are quietly relieved. Channel 7

ANDREW & MADDIE

Okay, so the only thing Andrew seems to be able to do is dance.

The only two things Andrew's date Maddie seems to be able to do are criticise Andrew and say "mm hmm".

Unfortunately, because Andrew is so nervous, the last thing he needs is criticism and people who say "mm hmm". He all but loses the power of speech, turning this into the world's most uncomfortably long silence.

Andrew tries to offer Maddie some steak, but she criticises the piece he chooses.

Andrew tries to offer Maddie some fish, but she criticises the way he cuts it up.

Maddie asks Andrew to lift her seat off her handbag, and then criticises the height he lifts it to.

There's really only one thing for Andrew, egged on by a couple of shots brought by utter legend Barman Cam, to do.

BREAK OUT THOSE MOVES, BUDDY.

Andrew's moves knock over a vase, so when he and Maddie move from the awkward date to the even more excruciating Awkward Question Time, we all brace ourselves.

For the unexpected.

Maddie gladly agrees to a second date and they dance their way through the twist ending.

This move is called the AW YISS.
This move is called the AW YISS. Channel 7

ASHLEY AND SASKIA

After all this trying very very hard, we need something relaxed, easy and straightforward.

I dunno, something like two people who instantaneously have a massive crush on each other, such as Ashley and Saskia.

Nobody's trying to be anything they're not, it's all just laughs, smiles, and Ashley trying to keep her boobs inside her dress. "My boob's popping out," she apologises. "It's just coming out to say hello to you".

Hey boob, what’s up.
Hey boob, what’s up. Channel 7

About the only thing wrong with this date is the fact that the traditional accompaniment to steak in the First Dates restaurant is the classically-shaped wang mushroom, a dramatic device devoid of purpose on an all-girl date.

We know what's going to happen. Nobody gets along this well and naturally without wanting a second date. Go on. Do the thing where you kiss and everybody says "nawwww".

Nawwww.
Nawwww. Channel 7

Unfortunately the 'where are they now' bit at the end tells us that Ashley and Saskia don't end up as a couple. Shut up, 'where are they now' bit at the end. Nobody likes you.

HANNAH & CRAIG

As laid-back as that date was, we can't relax yet. Sure, divorcee parents Hannah and Craig seem completely chill when they first meet, but it's all a ruse.

The truth is, Craig is determined to describe to Hannah what a wacky and interesting guy he is, without the added convenience of having to do anything actually wacky or interesting.

He tells Hannah that he's a policeman AND a dancer.

He tells Hannah he sometimes does the housework in a mankini.

Waiter, cancel my order for wang mushroom.
Waiter, cancel my order for wang mushroom. Channel 7

He tells Hannah he actually owns SIX mankinis.

By the time Craig tells Hannah how funny he is and how incredible his skill with Dad jokes is, you can tell she's done. She's reached the pit of date despair. Unfortunately for Hannah, the pit has a basement, and it contains the saddest story ever told.

See, Craig was sitting home alone one night watching television by himself, all comfy on the couch with a blankie on his knees, when he told himself a joke - out loud - about the show he was watching, and then laughed - out loud - at the funny funny joke he just told. Isn't that hilarious? Isn't he wacky and interesting?

We know these two aren't going on a second date. We know it from the despairing pit of our hearts.

What we don't know is how incredulous we'll be when Craig rejects Hannah. CRAIG. Rejects HANNAH. It is the WTF face that echoes around the nation.

Hannah babe, we feel you so hard right now.
Hannah babe, we feel you so hard right now. Channel 7

Jo Thornely is a writer who loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Follow her @JoThornely

News Corp Australia


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