‘I know he pissed in it’: Weird Bach spat
THE mystery pisser has remained at large for six days on The Bachelorette but it seems we've zoned in, with his identity being leaked (heh) on Wednesday night's episode.
Making it even better is it all comes to light when Jarrod - wearing a plush giraffe onesie - hurls the allegations at Blake - wearing a plush elephant onesie with an unfortunately placed trunk - in a fiery argument on the patio over a Mexican feast.
In case you've missed this complex storyline, I'll try get you up to speed. Jarrod - an oddly tall fellow with a really pink face - has a pot plant and someone pissed in it. Well. I guess it's not that complex.
I'm in two minds about Jarrod. On one hand I want him eliminated just so I can see if his face gets any more flushed than what it is in its natural state. But on the other hand, I want him to be in the final two just because I'm loving the pot plant story arc so much and I want it to last until the finale.
Speaking of the pot plant, let's check in with it.
But before we talk any more about pee, we have to sit through an unstimulating date with Stu.
It's still unclear why Stu is here. He's the heir to a $500 million fortune and I'm pretty sure he's just signed up out of sheer boredom because what else do you do when you're born into a hospitality empire?
We all believe the rumours that Sophie chooses Stu in the end and I just don't get it. He's got Eddie McGuire vibes, talks like a sports commentator and he uses that kind of gel that makes his hair look wet and crunchy.
As the conversation gets personal, Sophie brings up Stu's kids and ex wife.
"You've got a family in Sydney ... so you're set in Sydney?" she asks.
Stu basically says, "Nah f*ck em'."
"I'll move anywhere!" he exclaims.
The only important part about this date is Sophie's wearing a purple silk jumpsuit and I would like to wear it myself around the house and to social events.
Back at the mansion, Sam is jealous of Stu scoring a single date. And he makes a revelation that positively rocks the case of Jarrod's pot plant and the mystery pisser.
"Stu is older. He urinates a lot. I hope Sophie's aware of that. He needs more wee time than any of us," Sam confides.
This intel is a game changer. Yes, Stu only entered the competition last Wednesday. But in the 24 hours between his arrival and Jarrod discovering the annihilation of his plant, it's highly possible Stu suffered an unfortunate accident and was forced to chuck a whiz-whaz on the plant.
My theory is strong. But apparently Stu is not the culprit. And it all comes out during the group date.
Sophie has decided to set the outing at some random's home and she gets all the boys to dress up in animal onesies.
Moments after slipping into his giraffe suit, Jarrod actually begins to overheat and appears to break out in a rash.
Jarrod is disgruntled on this date. More disgruntled than we've ever seen him - because everyone has left him in the kitchen alone to cook the Mexican feast while they go chill with Sophie on the patio.
He's looking for a fight. So when Sophie suggests a game where all the boys write down anonymous questions for each other and put them in a bowl, he seizes the opportunity.
Sophie fishes a square of paper out of the bowl and looks at the question. She hesitates.
"Okay, huh," she says, clearing her throat and looking around. "Who sabotaged Jarrod's pot plant?"
The boys howl with laughter and it makes Jarrod angrier. He lashes out at the man he thinks unleashed on his plant: Blake.
"You said you pissed on the plant!" Jarrod howls.
In this moment, Jarrod learns a cruel life lesson: it's extremely difficult to be taken seriously when you're wearing a giraffe onesie and shrieking about a pot plant.
We're also reminded that watching two men in a screaming match is one of the most unattractive things to witness. With and without the animal onesies.
Blake hits back.
"When did I say I pissed on your plant?!" he yells, the unfortunately-placed plush trunk from his elephant onesie dangling over his face.
"You pissed on my plant!" is screamed several more times before Jarrod gets into specifics.
"When you turned around to me and said the other day, 'I'll just piss on it again' - that's a clear statement of you actually doing it. You tripped up!" Jarrod accuses.
But Blake won't admit it.
"I didn't f*ckin' trip up!" he insists. "How many times do I have to say I didn't do shit!"
I jump in to correct him that's it's a fight about piss but he shoots me a look and I go back to scooping mince into a taco.
Away from the group, Sam secretly reveals to us information that could end the drama altogether. He confirms the identity of the mystery pisser.
"This whole thing is beautiful for me. Blake's my brother and I know he pissed in it," he whispers.
It all ends with Jarrod actually sniffing his childhood blankie his parents have sent in and he runs out of the house in tears.
Sophie removes herself from the situation and decides to have some private time with Mac. She immediately regrets it.
"I've had a crush on you for years," Mac tells Sophie before calling her an "A-class celebrity". All of a sudden he seems like one of those Hollywood stalkers who scales a celebrity's fence and crawls into their bed before eating hair from a brush they found in the bathroom.
It appears a crazed fan has infiltrated the competition and Sophie is scared. Her eyes are wide with shock and her lips are pursed.
We don't have time for a cocktail party tonight. We have a security risk to deal with. Instead, we skip straight to the rose ceremony and eliminate both Luke and Sophie's number one fan Mac.
Sophie kisses Luke goodbye and tells him good luck. She then gives Mac a signed copy of her 2002 CD single Inside Outside, allows him to take a photo and then sends him on his way.
For more observations on purple silk jumpsuits and gel that makes your hair look wet and crunchy, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir