HELLO, ladies. If you want a really bad lover, it turns out I’m your man.
The women of the world have spoken and, with one voice, they have declared that I am spectacularly poor behind the bedroom door.
Maybe not me specifically, as I don’t ever remember being marked for performance. I’m speaking, with a lump in my throat and tear in my eye, collectively.
We Englishmen have been identified as second-worst in the bedroom department. Only our good chums the Germans are worse, according to a poll of 15,000 women.
The sauerkraut-eating, lager-swilling Germans earnt their reputation by being too smelly. At least the Englanders were simply considered too lazy to be satisfying, which suggests that, with the right encouragement, we could add a little pep and shoot up the leader board, as it were.
By and large, it’s good news for the antipodeans with Australian men declared seventh-best lovers and New Zealanders eighth, just ahead of the pornography-obsessed Danes and those lovely, mild-mannered Canadians.
But it’s the duds and failures who provide all the fun. Women unfortunate enough to have a dalliance with a Swede reported they were too quick. I have no idea what they mean and will leave the comment to fester without elaboration.
The Dutch, fourth-worst lovers, are too dominating, Americans (fifth) are too rough and the Greeks (sixth) are too soppy.
My Scottish friends might be disturbed to find the ladies believe they are too loud. Were some of the survey respondents involved with Scots who played the bagpipes before or after lovemaking, I wonder? Or, gracious me, during. Now that I’d like to see – but not hear.
The Welsh are too selfish. Good on ’em, I say. Turks were marked down by their ungrateful partners for being too sweaty. Perhaps there’s no air-conditioning in Turkey.
Tenth in the top 10 of shame were the Russians, slammed for being too hairy. At least that explains why there are no former communists playing AFL.
So who were the best lovers? It pains me deeply to inform you that the Spaniards – who, in my opinion, rank as the laziest, noisiest, smelliest, sweatiest men on the planet – are officially the world’s best lovers.
I’m off to munch on some garlic. By the way, I’ve changed my name to Manuel.