Insane tantrum rocks Big Brother house
Chaos has engulfed the Big Brother mansion with an all-familiar squabble over the last Tim Tam breaking out between housemates.
Tonight's episode saw self-confessed cashed-up-bogan Danny transform into a full blown man-toddler, because nothing enrages a 48-year-old real estate agent like being told they can't steal treats from hungry 20-somethings.
Before we begin - I must address the elephant in the room, in that I am the elephant recapping tonight's episode in the room and not James Weir.
James is currently undergoing an internal investigation after eating all the lentils in the news.com.au office and will return in two weeks. I sure hope he does anyway, I already miss his vicious mocking of all the things bogans like.
This brings me to the source of tonight's central Big Brother plot point: the "Tim Tam slam".
For the uninitiated, a Tim Tam slam involves biting off both ends of a Tim Tam and sucking coffee or tea through the mangled biscuit, eating the melted, hollowed-out carcass before finishing your coffee with the dregs of your disintegrated Tim Tam either floating on the surface or gathered in a brown pile at the bottom of your mug.
It's a vile way to consume a biscuit, but we digress.
The episode begins with the housemates sitting around complaining about how hungry they are, prompting Tilly to dig through the fridge in search of "hidden food". She finds nothing but tofu and soy milk.
JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read all the recaps here
In response to their constant whinging, Big Brother forces the hangry contestants to partake in a cruel physical game involving a series of alarms they must deactivate by sprinting towards the source of the noise in order to earn money for a food shop.
The only way this game could be more torturous is if they used an amplified version of the iPhone alarm most of the population uses to wake up in the morning, just to ensure the scars last beyond leaving the show.
They're all terrible at the game which goes well into the next morning, landing them a mere $210 budget to fill the house with food.
But then something incredible happens.
SJ, the 65-year-old influencer harnesses the power of every vegan on the planet and somehow finds herself in charge of the shopping list.
Finally, justice for every lone vegan/vegetarian at a split-bill group dinner who only managed to scoop up three squares of the salt and pepper tofu they ordered before some greedy meat-eater spun the lazy Susan and loaded up their plate.
SJ makes some outrageous suggestions like Promite, dried red kidney beans and spices. (What are they going to do, sit around doing the cinnamon challenge?)
It's clear she hasn't lived on a student budget in years, swatting away frugal suggestions like mi goreng and baked beans and convincing the hungry wannabes she's going to make a "lovely dal". You have to admire her tactic here - none of these bozos know what dal is and they're all too hungry to object.
The contestants wind up with no bread, one packet of Tim Tams and 400 slabs of plain tofu.
Red moustache is livid while brown moustache wonders why he left his peaceful life as a bird watcher to rot in this hell hole.
The argument over tofu and Tim Tams, which sounds like the worst MasterChef mystery box challenge ever, further explodes when SJ has the audacity to scold man-toddler Danny - who has been dreaming of a "Tim Tam slam" since he first set foot in the mansion - for reaching for a second biscuit.
This is a woman who insisted on ordering 600 onions and a vat of moisturiser to feed the masses. SJ is my hero.
Danny hoicks up his adult diaper and stalks off to dob on SJ in the diary room.
Meanwhile, there's an awkward moment where brown moustache shoots his shot with middle part and she shuts him down, stamping out the chance of a potential showmance in the house.
Big Brother sets a new challenge ahead of elimination, with the housemates paired up and forced to hang by a rope until their hands blister.
SJ further secures her spot as my favourite housemate purely for the drama she brings to every situation. Every time she speaks it's like she's auditioning for a West End theatre production.
At one point she moans breathlessly about the strength of her arms before falling to the ground like that scene in Pirates of the Caribbean when Keira Knightley faints because her corset is too tight.
Man-toddler Danny and middle part are the victors, and they select a fairly unassuming guy named Sid, Martha's mum Mary and SJ for the chopping block.
Apparently Sid and Mary are "safe votes" and SJ's food antics have placed a target squarely on her back.
On hearing the news, SJ looks crestfallen and wails that she can't believes tofu could be her undoing in the house. I've never heard anything more depressing in my life. The Tim Tam slam gets dredged up again and SJ wildly gesticulates through tears while yelling: "I WAS GOING TO MAKE A LOVELY DAL".
"I don't eat your food!" Danny bellows at her, a bogan war cry that echoes through the house. It's fast becoming clear the only Indian dish Danny has even come close to is Kan Tong Butter chicken.
The contestants pile into the eviction zone and Sonia's impossibly toned arms greet them from inside a laser tag arena.
There's a lot of exaggerated eye-rolling from SJ as Danny, his eyes shining with tears, tells the group: "I wanted to have a Tim Tam slam with my coffee and there was one Tim Tam left and I asked 'Does somebody wanna go HALFES' and SJ had a go at me about that and suggested I should cut it into SIXTEENTHS."
No one shares his horror at the situation. He's standing up for a man's right to a soggy chocolate biscuit. This is 'Straya, and taking away that right is simply not on.
The votes are cast and SJ is booted.
BUT WAIT. It's surprise week.
Big Brother invites SJ to live in his dusty attic with a load of junk from hard rubbish day in Newtown, and some producer has a lot of fun with the smoke machine. It's SJ's time to shine as she clasps her hands to her mouth and utters "Oh my god, oh Big Brother," over and over through tears of joy.
She reveals she slept in an attic when she was a little girl, muttering as she peers around the junk-filled room: "Oh, this is such a happy place."
You can tell she's trying to hold back from launching into a monologue about her childhood which I'd much rather hear than whatever twist Sonia's going to throw at the housemates next.
It's a double eviction. Sonia explain the rules and no one listens. The twists are becoming tiresome. If they don't involve sh*t fights over chocolate and vegan slop, I'm not interested.
After a tie, Martha's mum is eventually tossed out. Little does she know she'll soon be reunited with SJ in the dusty attic.
Cut to SJ, munching on what we can only assume is the last Tim Tam she snuck into her bra before the eviction to spite Danny. I knew the vegan shtick was all a ruse.
Mary squeals and SJ reacts by quivering and waving her hands wildly, a look of shock and confusion on her face. She appears to have changed into a moss-green camouflage suit for the occasion.
The women embrace and the episode ends with SJ motioning for Mary to be quiet while Mary's face is buried in her shoulder mid-hug. It's counter-productive but very on-brand.
Originally published as Insane tantrum rocks Big Brother house