Thirsty Cow is purely fiction. Any similarities with actual events or something you dreamt once is purely coincidence. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily held by anybody.
Thirsty Cow is purely fiction. Any similarities with actual events or something you dreamt once is purely coincidence. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily held by anybody.

Live player trade ban

RUGBY League officials are moving to ban the live player trade with Rugby Union following concerns of mistreatment.

One official, who declined to be named, said he would be lobbying for the ban after several players who made the transition started talking with private school posh accents and pointing their pinky fingers when they drank tea.

"I fear that union may be turning our young men into toffs," he said.

"Before too long they will be eating quiche and having their eyebrows done."

The live player trade came under the spotlight after rugby union afternoon teas were secretly filmed by a current affairs program.

The issue has been a strong talking point in the annual State of Origin clash between Queensland and New South Wales, a contest renowned for close hard fought matches and terrible clichés from commentators and former players.

State of Origin was created in the 1980s as an alternative to actual civil war and is based on a belief by scientists and economists that the best way to judge the worth of a state is to play a football match based on where people started their football careers.

The games are the only tangible reason to retain state boundaries and governments, and losing a series results in someone else's flag hanging on your bridge.

Under the conventions of the contest, the series is either won by Queensland or there is bad umpiring and they were robbed.

Last week's game, which produced an unexpected NSW win, was so hard fought that volcanoes erupted in Chile and Iceland, grounding planes and preventing cows from flying to Indonesia.

Legends of State of Origin are rewarded with bronze statues at the Brisbane Stadium. These statues are attacked by interstate pigeons and often dressed up like Ken Dolls. So far approximately one statue has been erected.

In the lead-up to the matches players are interviewed and asked what it means to wear the jersey. Most say it is a poignant moment in their lives. Those without agents say it stops them getting cold.

No state of origin is complete without former coach Gus Ghoul giving a commentary about what "the Origin means".

"It's when men step onto the field as boys and become warriors with stars in their eyes and dreams in their hearts and the glint of a small child makes the world colourful and all is good and wonderful with our times," he usually says.

The Gus speech gives people a knot in their stomach and tear in their eye. This is caused by nausea.

Thirsty Cow is fiction. It should not be confused with the real world, actual opinions and anything of literary worth. 



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