Raring to rule ... again
LABOR party powerbrokers have called in a group of historians to rewrite history in the hope that they can dust off former Prime Minister Kevin Rutt for another go at the top job.
Current Prime Minister Julia Gizzard is rapidly losing party support after all of her policies proved unpopular, or illegal.
One party insider said they hoped Australians would accept a new version of Mr Rutt's prime ministership.
He was also considering a new haircut and one new tie.
"At the moment the history books suggest that Mr Rutt wasted a whole lot of money on dodgy ceiling batts that burnt down homes, computers that never actually turned up and tiny tuckshop buildings suitable only for Smurfs," the insider said.
"He also might have spent all the money saved by the previous government on plasma televisions and the administration kind of came to a halt because he tried to run it by himself.
"There was also a couple of incidents involving chicken and hair dryers."
The insider said the new version of history would present Mr Rutt as an environmental hero who saved children from the drudgery of pre-iPad computers and cut obesity by building tuckshops too small to store excessive food.
"Kevin 11 will be the man who gave the nation big screen sport to take their mind off the problems he created, taught us to live more frugally because we had less money and tried to take full responsibility for the country to allow everyone else to have a bit of a rest," he said.
Political scientist Ray Pontificate said Mr Rutt may have been unpopular but the popularity scale was set much lower, making an 18% approval rating look "spectacular".
"At the moment Mr Rutt is unpopular, Julia is really unpopular and nobody has heard of anyone else," he said.
Some backbenchers fear that a return to Mr Rutt could collapse the government because the independents who hold the balance of power might not like him.
NSW independent Rob Buckshot said, if there was a change of leadership, he would need three weeks to consider it and around 23 minutes to explain it to the Australian people.
Treasurer Wayne Duck denied there was leadership speculation.
"That could be because nobody ever tells me anything," he said.
"I'm 100% behind everything and everyone."
Mr Rutt said he would not speculate on a leadership challenge but he was happy to look smug when asked questions about it.
"Certainly I would relish the opportunity to be back in the Lodge, plotting my revenge on the faceless men and women, and some with faces, who tossed me out," he said.
"Hang on, did I say that out loud?"
Thirsty Cow is fiction. It is not based on any real characters or events.