Rejected wife’s triumphant final words
There comes a time when every clinger needs to release their grip on the one they stalk, and on Sunday night's Married At First Sight Connie finally sets free the man she has been holding captive with inspirational words that probably came from Hayley's fitfluencer guru.
It's a noble effort hanging in there. But what's the point of hanging around too long?
Yowza. That's deep. I thought of that while standing on my balcony in my underwear, drinking tequila at 2pm this afternoon.
If coronavirus hasn't gotten you yet, Married At First Sight fatigue surely has.
The only thing that's hung around longer than Connie is MAFS itself. But even the grip of the most determined captor has to weaken at some point. Three more episodes, dames. Just three more.
The sharp pangs of what our lives used to be pre-MAFS are pinging more frequently than Houseparty notifications alerting us that some loser we went to high school with has just joined the app. (Sidebar: how do I turn these notifications off? I thought I did, but they're still coming through.)
Sunday night sees three of our final couples part for one week before coming back together to deliver their final vow decisions.
Before they part ways for individual reflection, Connie ponders her time with Jonnie.
"Jonnie has written leave but I'm still here. We're still here," she says.
Yes, Connie. You're both still here because you keep trapping Jonnie against his will, in accordance to MAFS commitment ceremony legislation.
"It takes a lot of strength to come back when you're constantly being pushed away," she says, and this is the official mantra of all clingers. They recite it at the meetings.
Oh, it should be noted, she tells us all of this while watching Jonnie sleep.
Back home, Connie meets with the only person who will tell it to her straight: her judgy mum Rina.
Since we last saw Rina, she has got a fabulous new haircut and has dressed up in a snappy blazer that matches her no nonsense attitude.
"I think the experts did an incredible job. They didn't let me down," Connie tells her mother.
OK, she has got to be the only contestant ever who thinks the experiment was looking out for her best interests. And that, friends, is called Stockholm syndrome.
"I'll be honest with ya, Con. I don't think Jonnie fits with you," Rina blurts out. Rina is the only voice of reason in this country right now.
"We actually are compatible," Connie asserts and, sure - you're "compatible" in the way that you're overly keen on him and he doesn't like you at all. I know - way harsh, Tai. But it's true.
More on Connie and Jonnie soon. I guess we should also talk about the other clowns who deliver their vows tonight.
Stacey meets with her identical friend Brooke who tells her to end the marriage immediately. But the glistening mystique of the ice cube kingdom intrigues Stacey too much. She has already been humiliated on national television and endured a very public cheating scandal. So why stop now? My therapist calls this the fear of losing your investment.
In my case, "losing the investment" is losing someone who knows the backstory to all the colleagues I bitch about and I'm devastated at having to explain to someone new why all these people annoy me. For Stacey, she wants to see a return after bullishly investing so much in the ice cube empire.
Michael chooses to stay. Why wouldn't he? But Stacey makes him squirm more than we did when we found out Michael kissed Hayley after she used her toilet toothbrush.
"When I heard you talk for the first time, I was concerned," she tells him and, honestly, same. She recaps their tumultuous marriage and, after recapping it for the past two months, we won't bother recapping it again.
"You were accused of cheating on me and, in that moment, all my hopes all my joy and new-found happiness disappeared. My heart froze," she says.
It's powerful. Even Stacey will admit the only thing she wants frozen is her forehead.
All of this talk about thinks freezing reminds her of why she should stay: the ice cube empire.
"We are us and we are unbreakable. I love you Michael," she declares.
Yes. Unbreakable, like an ice cube. It might not break, but it will melt outside of the very controlled environment it's in. Or, at the very least, if it's left too long, it will just develop that "old ice cube" taste. Either way, the future is grim.
Meanwhile, KC and Drew are also doomed despite the rubbish they say at their vow renewal ceremony.
Let's not even go into unnecessary detail.
KC is annoyed Drew was so judgy about her life, but she gave up her LA world to partake in this show and, like Stacey, she doesn't want to lose out on her investment. So she stays.
Drew says she's amazing but he doesn't want to move away from Cairns to be with her and, even though KC will not move away from Sydney to be with him, he decides to continue the relationship.
How on earth this will work we do not know.
Let's just move on to someone less complicated: a clinger.
Jonnie is obviously not even going to pretend like he wants to stay in this sham of a marriage. He has tried to leave three times over the past three weeks. He wants out. But his need to be liked means he still flirts to the very end.
"Damn you look sexy! Love at the dress! You look ahhhhmazing," he tells Connie as she struts up in some Mexican ruffled mess.
Connie has a new air of confidence and we don't know how to read it. Is the confidence coming from a place of new perspective where she realises she has to let this man go? Or is it maniacal - the confidence that comes from knowing this man cannot escape, no matter how hard he tries and she has the upper hand?
"I made a commitment not only to you but to myself and the experiment and I needed to honour myself and give this journey absolutely all of me. I had to put myself first," she says and, really, putting yourself first probably isn't the best way to maintain a relationship.
"I stand by my decision. Although I didn't find love with you, I found something so much more important. Something so valuable. I found that I am brave. I am strong. I am confident. And I am worthy. Ultimately I found myself."
It's around now the music swells. In hindsight, producers should have played the Candi Staton hit You Got The Love. This is the song that plays in the last scene of the finale episode of Sex & The City where Carrie's walking down that Manhattan street and crapping on about how the most important relationship is the one you have with yourself. I'm certain it's playing in Connie's head as she speaks.
"Before the experiment I was a shy and insecure girl. And now standing in front of you is a confident and proud woman. Who now understands her worth in this world. The only love and approval I need is from myself. And I became the love I was searching for. Thank you, Jonnie. For this I will be forever grateful. This may be the end of our journey but it's only the beginning of mine."
And then she looks down at her bejewelled mobile phone and sees she has an incoming call from John.
Wait. That didn't happen. That's Carrie.
Originally published as Rejected wife's triumphant final words