'Santa' Beckham not a jolly choice
IT'S tough being the child of an A-list celebrity couple (not that I'd know, unfortunately).
Good luck trying to keep a low profile when you have paparazzi relentlessly hounding your parents like a Today Tonight reporter going after a dodgy builder.
Sometimes you'll be lucky and find the media loses all interest in you as soon as you hit puberty.
Sometimes you'll give up and just run with it, milking your last name for all it's worth to get your own slice of fame. It works sometimes - Bob Marley's son Ziggy has released a string of highly successful albums as well as being highly politically active.
Sometimes it doesn't - just ask Tom Hanks about his rapper son "Chet Haze" and how hard it is to be taken seriously as a street rapper when you live in the Hollywood Hills, attend college and have millions of dollars.
Then again, nothing says "gangsta" like your dad being in You've Got Mail and Sleepless in Seattle.
But the real problem with being a celebrity kid is the likelihood that your parents wanted to be "quirky" and "different" and ended up naming you something you'd be embarrassed to call a dog.
The latest culprit is Spice Girls singer-turned-fashionista-turned-stick insect Victoria Beckham who apparently wants to name her first daughter Santa. Ho, ho, ho-ly mackerel what a bad idea.
Mrs Beckham argued that Santa is a traditional Spanish name, which makes it perfectly fine.
Then again, Jesus (pronounced Hey-zues) is a perfectly normal name in many places but it doesn't mean you should call your kid that.
Besides, if you named one kid Santa and another one Jesus, can you imagine all the fighting they'd do around Christmas time?
Victoria's husband David Beckham (as in Bend it Like) was less keen on the idea but "will probably go along with what she chooses".
Despite his fame and fortune, he's still going along with whatever the wife says without arguing. Who ever said sport stars weren't smart?
I don't know, it seems to me that celebrities too easily forget their children will have to deal with people in the cold, dark world outside of Hollywood. Having a famous parent is bad enough, but kids get bullied for simply breathing these days so having a name like Santa could only make things worse.
Funnily enough, I also hate it when people give their dog a boring human name such as Richard or Jason so maybe I just complain too much.
Apologies to all the Richards and Jasons reading this, I'm sure you're all very exciting people.
I just think you can go crazy with pet names but not your child's name, no matter how famous you are.
A lot depends on perspective, such as Sylvester Stallone naming his son Sage Moonblood.
Either that name is stupid and a completely ridiculous for a kid or it's the most awesome name ever and there is no way he won't pick up hundreds of girls with a name like that.
The correct answer is both, by the way. But Santa is still a ridiculous name, unless you're Spanish or happen to really, really like Christmas.
The best celebrity name still belongs to Transformers actor Shia LaBeouf. Not the best sounding name, until you realise it literally translates to "Praise God for Beef".
Shia's dad must have really liked hamburgers.
Culture Sparrow is a weekly humour column by Callum Johnson.