Johnny’s outraged over claims he has a cracked boner.
Johnny’s outraged over claims he has a cracked boner. Channel 7

Seven Year Switch: The boner to end all boners

ONE man's boner has sprung up during two separate dinner parties, becoming the central conversation piece and destroying several relationships with its presence.

On Monday night's episode of Seven Year Switch, we learn many things. We're reminded of some terrific slang for the word "erection". We discover a group of adults can have a serious and lengthy argument about a "pillow wall". And we also witness genuine fear that the aforementioned erection is capable of smashing through said pillow wall.

Oh, and in a humiliating moment, Stacey Louise is busted lying about her sex life and gets slapped with the best insult I've heard in quite a while.

During the episode, the experimental husbands and wives are split up for separate boys and girls dinner parties. It's the first time they've all met each other and, needless to say, it's not a lovely experience.

At the girls' dinner party, talk quickly turns to the fact Kaitlyn has been sharing a bed with Felicity's partner Michael, and Stacey Louise is asked about her sleeping arrangement with Johnny.

She gulps. Her face says it all.

"We've been sharing a bed," she admits hesitantly, staring at Johnny's real life wife Tracey.

"Oh! High five!" Kaitlyn screams.

"That's not something to high five about," Felicity reprimands.

As Tracey begins her interrogation, Stacey Louise scrambles to justify her decision.

"He's actually a tradie so he built an awesome pillow wall," she reasons, as if that actually means something. But her justification is as weak as her pillow wall and it quickly tumbles down.

Tracey finds some issues with Stacey Louise's explanation and uses her husband's erection to poke holes in the theory.

"Johnny also said to me he wouldn't like it (sleeping in the same bed as Stacey Louise) because of the fact men wake up with a hard on," she says in complete seriousness without a hint of a giggle.

"Johnny wakes up with a boner and wants to have sex every morning. What the hell is going on. We're not that naive," she adds.

And Tracey isn't the only one who knows a thing or two about beds and boners. Over at the boys dinner, Stacey Louise's partner Sarge has found out about the bed sharing situation and he would also like to know what the hell is going on, thankyouverymuch. He stands his ground and points the boner at Johnny.

"You made it quite clear to Tracey that you didn't want some other guy pitching a tent - alright - getting a boner while he's sleeping in the same bed as your Mrs," he tells Johnny.

"I think it's a bit hypocritical that you would say you don't want a guy sleeping in the same bed (as Tracey) but you are sleeping in the same bed as my partner, pitching a tent every night."
 

‘Tent pole. Purple homewrecker. Throbbing whistle.’
‘Tent pole. Purple homewrecker. Throbbing whistle.’

 

Johnny is so shocked he almost chokes on his bon ... his dinner.

"What are you saying I cracked a boner while I was there?" he spits at Sarge, disgusted at the accusation.

Who knew Johnny's boner had such power. Not only has it seemingly destroyed his own relationship with Tracey, it's also swung through and shattered the union of Sarge and Stacey Louise.

We're then forced to hear more adults have another argument about a stupid pillow wall before Sarge consults some literature and researches some medical facts to deliver his final argument.

"MOST GUYS CAN'T KEEP IT IN THEIR PANTS MATE!" he informs Johnny.

 

‘As a busy mum, I don’t have time for other peoples’ opinions.’
‘As a busy mum, I don’t have time for other peoples’ opinions.’

 

Back at the ladies' dinner party, Felicity is siding with Tracey and firmly believes that because both of them have children, only their opinions matter.

Soon after, Stacey Louise falls into a self indulgent monologue about the "power struggle" between her and Sarge in their relationship.

"If we work together we could be an awesome power couple," she muses, stopping short of detailing her dreams of being Mr and Mrs Michelle Bridges.

Tracey then slaps Stacey Louise with the best insult I've heard in quite a while.

"Sarge said you're 99 per cent work and one per cent sex," a dead-eyed Tracey states.

‘I love doing the sex I have it done all the time'
‘I love doing the sex I have it done all the time'

At the mere mention of sex, Kaitlyn has started paying attention again and is curious to know how often One Percent Stacey gets it on.

"A lot. Quite a bit," Stacey Louise nervously replies, unconvincingly.

But Kaitlyn wants specifics. Bullied into giving a figure, Stacey Louise confirms it's five times a week.

This is a rather commendable figure that would usually deserve a congratulations. But Tracey's heard otherwise.

"He (Sarge) hasn't said that," Tracey disagrees. "He says you won't do it anywhere else BUT the bedroom."

Stacey Louise immediately begins treading water - scoffing, rolling her eyes and trying to convince us all that she's a big sex maniac and Tracey doesn't know what she's talking about.

Tracey is super proud of her efforts in outing Stacey Louise's mediocre sex life and brags about it to us later on.
"I caught her out lying about the sex subject and I knew she would have been steaming," she glows.

And she's right.

By the end of the girls' dinner, Stacey Louise is not only steaming - she's also raging. Like Johnny's always-present boner.

News Corp Australia


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