Tanya Lau is the Suburban Soccer Mum
Tanya Lau is the Suburban Soccer Mum

Sorry Santa, kids only like you for the presents

DEAR Santa,

So I heard a rumour I’m on the naughty list and I know tonight’s the night but I felt I should say a few words in my defence.

I’ve bought my own non-conditional presents, anyway, so I’m not holding out for any last-minute changes.

I’m just writing to explain my lack of Christmas fervour.

Don’t get me wrong, I still put on a good show for the kids.

It’s very important to me that they enjoy the season (so I expect brownie points for that, at least).

For the rest of us, though, Christmas can be a little bit stressful. All the parking and queuing and shopping and cooking and rushing around. Not to mention all those moments spent with one’s relatives.

I can’t think of a time I’m less likely to feel goodwill towards my fellow man.

So, for that, I apologise and concede that, perhaps, I deserve to be marked down as a Grinch.

You can’t sit in judgment on me, though, Santa.

Didn’t you steal Christmas from Jesus in the first place? On his birthday, of all days. Talk about a hostile takeover.

OK, so you’re probably not a minion of evil per se (no doubt, the forces of darkness are led by someone far more ominous, like Oprah).

It’s a tad unfortunate Santa and Satan have such similar spelling, though, isn’t it? The fundamentalists have a field day with that one. You really should have stuck with Saint Nick.

Meanwhile, it’s easy to understand why you get so much attention.

Westerners do tend to prefer fat, materialistic, white guys over radical, middle-eastern ones, don’t they?

Not that I’m calling you a denizen of consumerism or anything. I’m sure there’s more to you than the gift-giving.

The problem is – and I hate to be the one to break it to you – that the kids only like you for the presents.

Don’t believe me? Think their Santa obsessions are all about the Christmas spirit?

Try just being a weird, old, bearded bloke, minus the toys.

I guarantee those tots will be filing restraining orders quicker than you can say “ho”.

You just have a little think about that, Santa.

Then decide who belongs on the naughty list next year.

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