Wives explode in disgusting bar fight
The C-word is thrown in an ugly bar fight between three Married At First Sight wives that is as messy and unnecessary as the slice of bruschetta hurled into one of the women's faces.
Monday night's episode opens and it appears we've been in the same pub for 24 hours. The girls' and boys' nights have been split over two episodes which is disappointing but expected - like Connie reaching full Stage 23 Clinger and printing her face on Jonnie's jocks.
As the world's leading scientists attempt to invent a vaccine that will stop a deadly virus sweeping the globe, Hayley and Stacey are still arguing about whether Stacey did in fact get her law degree from the University of Frosted Flakes.
"What gives you the audacity to attack me?" Stacey launches into Hayley, as we open day two of the trial. "You've undermined my law degree and told me I got it out of a cereal box. You brought my two beautiful innocent children into it. And you're siting here thinking you've got off scot-free because you've owned it. Who do you think you are?"
Since leaving the experiment, Dr Hayley QC has had time to work on some ace retorts that are sure to be courtroom slam dunks.
"Don't keep piping up, chachi - calm down," she eye-rolls as Stacey shoots us a devastated look.
"I'll allow it," we declare.
"You never liked me, Hayley!" Stacey interrupts.
"Don't interject again, counsellor," we scold.
"Let me talk, don't bite me like a chihuahua," Hayley snips at her opponent.
"Let the record show that Stacey is not a real chihuahua," we note.
"You're not a lawyer! You're not a lawyer!" Hayley informs Stacey.
"Yes I am! I'm a law grad!" she rebuts.
"You're not a practising lawyer, darl," Hayley fires back.
Stacey is on the verge of tears. For a supposed lawyer, she's having a very difficult time proving she's a lawyer. She's had enough and clearly can't handle the strict nature of our courtroom.
"Can security get this moron out of here? She's so beneath me," she whines.
"Bailiff, stand down," we glare at Amanda.
The case isn't yet closed and Stacey isn't done. She's upset at the allegation she attained her law degree at the University of Frosted Flakes and she's furious no one believes she interned at the esteemed law firm of Snap Crackle & Pop. But what hurts her most is that Hayley brought her two kids into the battle.
"All I said was, 'How'd you get a law degree when you popped out two kids at 25!'," Hayley explains to the courtroom. We check the transcript and she's correct.
"Proceed," we instruct.
"You were popping them out since you were 19, c**t!" she yells, landing yet another slam dunk argument.
"Objection!" Stacey screams.
"Overruled," we sigh. "Interrupt again and we'll hold you in contempt of court, ma'am."
Lizzie springs to her feet. Ooh, a surprise witness! Last year at the girls' night, she attacked everyone like a really annoyed cockatoo. And tonight, she gifts us with a repeat performance.
"She doesn't owe you any explanation! She does not have to say anything about her kids!" she screams at Hayley while getting up in her face and whipping around her swordlike acrylic nails.
"Ma'am, do not badger the witness," we yell while banging our gavel.
"Done! Done! Done! Disgusting, disgusting behaviour!" Lizzie continues to hiss.
While Hayley's attempting to dodge Lizzie's acrylic nails that are slicing the air in front of her, Stacey picks up a slice of bruschetta and hurls it at her opponent's face. I hear this same tactic was employed by the defence team in the OJ trial.
We announce an adjournment and Dr Hayley QC quickly puts the bread in a zip-lock bag, pledging to submit it as evidence in the trial when we reconvene.
"You should feel shamed of yourself for that shit!" Lizzie squawks at Hayley as she stalks out of the bar with Stacey.
As the chaos swirls around her, Connie is the most relatable she has ever been.
Bailiff … sorry … Amanda really puts the altercation into perspective.
"People are protective about their children. I'm not a mother, but I've got a cat," she shrugs.
Meanwhile, Cathy is just annoyed no one has complimented her new hair colour.
We hightail it over to the boys' night to see if anyone else has arrived wearing an ugly shirt. They have. Still, it's a boring evening and no one is throwing slices of bruschetta.
Ivan has come back and all the bros despise him for how things ended, but then he goes and pulls a Vanessa and drops a big dramatic tease.
"What I know is there's a way bigger scandal coming. About Stacey. About their relationship. Just wait until the reunion," he winks.
"We're honestly not that interested," we sigh, while opening the zip-lock pouch we stole out of Hayley's bag and eating her evidence.
Originally published as Wives explode in disgusting bar fight